Wednesday, December 29, 2010

There's A Time, When Everything Comes Crashing Down

The last couple days have definitely been the hardest days I have had since I was diagnosed with BPD. Partly because I had stopped taking my depression medication when I was suppose to switch to a different one and partly because we are in the process of moving to a bigger place. The transition has really gotten to me as well as my husband. He is very much a perfectionist and likes to have everything perfect, while I thrive on chaos. It has been much better in the aspect that the kids both have their own rooms, and have transitioned very well. The constant harping of my husband makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It makes me feel stupid and worthless, like the whole world is so hopeless. One of my symptoms of the BPD is stress induced paranoia. I also have periods of feeling like I want to self-harm. Not suicidal, just to take the hurt away....even if it's just for a second. I have been able to use my DBT skills to deal with my feelings of wanting to cut. However, last night I went over to our old apartment just to get away from the harping of my husband. The feelings were so strong that someone else was in the apartment with me, I ran out of the apartment and locked the door behind me. Today looks more positive, I am on my new depression medication. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel; however, the harping husband is still there. I am so lucky to have such good friends that come beside me and help me to realize that I am a good person and I deserve good things. I pray for a better day tomorrow and go back to a little thought that I wrote at the start of my DBT group when I was using my skills really well. It goes something like this - Today is all I have. I can not go back and rebuild the bridges that I have burned and I can not change the things that I have said or done, but I can start new and I can make changes that make the future positive. Today is a GREAT day!

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