Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Everything Seems to be Okay

In a Borderline world of chaios being okay is a wonderful thing. Yeah my marriage has had it's ups and downs the last week or so, but it's okay and I have used some skills to get through it. I have really been able to use my wise mind and non-judgemental thinking skills the last couple of weeks. There have been a couple of snags that could of been very big and troublesome to me, but I was able to choose to use some skills and they didn't end up amounting to much.
I joined a group at our local gym and am working on getting fit and improving my overall health. I never before realized how much exercise improves ones mood, but man it sure makes a difference. This is MY year! My year to succeed and do great things. I will accomplish a lot this year, it may not be anything big, but it will be something! Great things are going to happen I just know it :-)

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Think Positive....Things Are Bound To Get Better!!!

Well, I can finally say that it's ok to rest and things should get better. We got everything moved out of our old apartment today. Yes, there was fighting and arguments, but I was able to use my DBT skills to help get me through the day. A visit from my mom also helped as she was able to keep the kiddos entertained. I feel a bit more at ease this evening as I know we won't be under pressure to get things moved. The house should get a little calmer as we get everything in it's place.
On a much different note my husband should be able to work this weekend if we get the snow they are talking about. Money is such an issue with both of us being home and that is one of my biggest worries. I want nothing more than to be able to provide for my family.
Since I have been taking my medicine regularly it is starting to build up in my system, thus I have been having a few side effects. Nothing major, just a shaky left hand. I did read that a side effect of Wellbutrin is weight loss, this makes me happy as I might be able to get back down to a healthier weight.
Tonight I pray for safety with those traveling for the new years as the roads could get quite slick. I hope that everyone has a happy New Year and drives responsibly!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

There's A Time, When Everything Comes Crashing Down

The last couple days have definitely been the hardest days I have had since I was diagnosed with BPD. Partly because I had stopped taking my depression medication when I was suppose to switch to a different one and partly because we are in the process of moving to a bigger place. The transition has really gotten to me as well as my husband. He is very much a perfectionist and likes to have everything perfect, while I thrive on chaos. It has been much better in the aspect that the kids both have their own rooms, and have transitioned very well. The constant harping of my husband makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It makes me feel stupid and worthless, like the whole world is so hopeless. One of my symptoms of the BPD is stress induced paranoia. I also have periods of feeling like I want to self-harm. Not suicidal, just to take the hurt away....even if it's just for a second. I have been able to use my DBT skills to deal with my feelings of wanting to cut. However, last night I went over to our old apartment just to get away from the harping of my husband. The feelings were so strong that someone else was in the apartment with me, I ran out of the apartment and locked the door behind me. Today looks more positive, I am on my new depression medication. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel; however, the harping husband is still there. I am so lucky to have such good friends that come beside me and help me to realize that I am a good person and I deserve good things. I pray for a better day tomorrow and go back to a little thought that I wrote at the start of my DBT group when I was using my skills really well. It goes something like this - Today is all I have. I can not go back and rebuild the bridges that I have burned and I can not change the things that I have said or done, but I can start new and I can make changes that make the future positive. Today is a GREAT day!

Background and How I Got To Where I Am Today

Early September 2010 Things haven't been right for quite a while now. I'm never happy and it seems like I am constantly walking around in a fog. There must be something wrong because my actions are not normal. I can not hold a job, I'm constantly worried that people are talking about me, and my marriage is constantly on the rocks. I have decided that I need to do something to help break this change. I just want to be normal.
Late September 2010 I called my doctor and she ordered a psychiatric evaluation. This we will know exactly what is going on. The place that does the psych eval got scheduled for a couple of days later. I go in and they put me in a room with two pencils, two booklets, and two answer sheets. They tell me I need to fill these out as good as I can, but not to think about the answers too much just to go with my first instinct. I start the test. It takes me about 3 hours to finish both of the test, they are very extensive. I am very anxious about the results. I hate waiting.
Mid October 2010 The therapist calls me with the test results. She tells me that I have dysthymia which is depression lasting for 2 years or longer. She suggests medication to help me with my depression. She also tells me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder with Negativistic, Anti-Social, and Dependant Characteristics. I feel so overwhelmed. I thought I was ready for a diagnosis, but now it all seems so much more real. There is no medication for Borderline, and since I don't have any insurance she refers me to a practice that offers a sliding scale fee. I immediately set up an appointment there. I start therapy right away. My therapist seems very nice, she seems like she understands me. She suggest that I attend a group therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy if I feel like that is something that would help. I tell her I am ready to try anything at this point. DBT seems to help me right away. I am able to use the skills and they seem to make life a bit more manageable.